I spend much of my work week disagreeing with my colleague Kylee Siaw, and it is one of the highlights of my job. 

We challenge each other’s approaches on dealing with clients, on how to attract new business, on how to write effectively and sometimes even on whether it’s useful or fun to run (it’s neither). To be clear, we don’t spend all day telling each other we’re wrong — that would be exhausting — but it’s a feature of our relationship that works and is important.

Even so, I was momentarily alarmed recently when she sent a message to me that said, “I appreciate our ability to spar.”

“Uh oh,” I replied. “Usually there’s a ‘but’ after a statement like that.”

Happily, there was no “but.” And it made me think about why we both seem to value being challenged. I think part of it is that our wrangling is never personal, even when it’s about work that sometimes comes from the heart. We examine and pick apart each other’s words and approaches, but never with the goal of dragging the other down. If anything, the source of the pushback is a shared feeling of teamwork. We’re trying to make each other’s work better and we care enough to say when it needs improvement.

We also never impugn each other’s motives or skills. I’ve never heard Kylee say to me that I’m doing it wrong, even if that’s what was in her head. I’ve never heard her express frustration with my work by suggesting I’m not trying. I know she’s on my side, because when she identifies issues with my work, she never says the problem is me. So if she thinks a strategy I’m suggesting is unproductive, the problem is the strategy — not me. If I don’t like the way she’s written something, my issue is with the words — not her.

There is skill in giving constructive feedback, and there is also skill in receiving it. Both parties need to trust each other’s motives for disagreement to be effective. It takes some faith and trust to be critical of someone you work with. It is far easier to just agree with someone to avoid conflict, or to quietly roll your eyes and keep your criticism to yourself. But that’s no way to create a better piece of work or a better relationship. 

This is just as true in the relationships agencies like ours have with clients. Whether we’ve worked with a client for three months or three years, there will be times when we’re not on the same page. Getting to that same page often involves navigating through a thicket of disagreement to come to an understanding. 

It’s going to happen, so how it happens is important. I appreciate the client who explains why an op ed we’ve worked on for them is off target, rather than just trashing it or abandoning the effort. I value a client who takes the time to explain why a story we’re proposing is not appropriate for them, rather than undermining the effort and dooming it to fail. And hopefully these clients value it when we warn them away from stories or efforts that we know from experience will not be productive.

Productive disagreement is so much more valuable than passive acquiescence. I might be good at what I do, but I’m not amazing enough to be perfect every time. And neither is Kylee. And, dear reader, neither are you.